Yuchen's Belly of Authority

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Yuchen is too humble to write about himself. He has a ghostwriter because all who study him kill themselves trying to be like him. They cannot work to be like him because he achieved enlightenment effortlessly.

Yuchen was born a Junior in high school. He forgets his past for this reason and tells inconsistent tales. He saw the Truth when he first opened his eyes and he became a living lesson to the world.

Yuchen is a skilled dancer. He goes clubbing in downtown Atlanta where he is known for his slick moves and sharp dress. He spent three months on the professional ballroom circuit.

Yuchen is Chinese and his skin blazes with cultural effulgence. He speaks Chinese in the same tone he speaks English because he always speaks Truthfully.

Yuchen is large because his greatness can barely be contained. He eats often to maintain his weight so he won’t shock women with a super-human greatness density.

Yuchen is a food expert. He believes eating well is essential to living well. Logicians have confirmed his claim with syllogisms, the most common of which is

  1. Yuchen eats well.
  2. Everything Yuchen does is part of his program of good living.
  • Therefore, eating well is a component of good living.

Yuchen shares his wisdom. Many of his enlightened experiences are chronicled here for the world to study.

When Yuchen first played golf, he shot thirteen holes-in-one, beating Kim Jong Il’s previous record of eleven. When asked how he felt holding such a record, Yuchen replied, “The world has many greens. It is not fair to say this one is comparable to any of the others, or even to itself at any other moment. The world is always changing, and so is my luck. An inflated ego, when pricked by failure, farts and flutters like a loose balloon.” Despite his modest afterthoughts, Yuchen performed consistently on almost a hundred courses worldwide in at least twelve different weather conditions (hot and humid, desert dry, desert recently wet from rain, temperate w/ typical humidity, rainforest, tornado-watch winds, thunderstorm, light noon rain, heavy noon rain, arctic, antarctic, tropical island with high winds, tropical island with low winds) if his three indoor games and their two climates (indoor w/AC, indoor w/o AC) are considered separately. He stopped playing when he realized how much airfare to and from these foreign locales cost people. Blatant waste appalls him. His last words on the game: “That money could have gone to something much more exciting than golf.”

Yuchen wrote a Modernist novel which most scholarly critics consider the masterpiece of our time. He hasn’t published it because he was advised it is too complex for most readers to grasp. He refused to print with a vanity press saying, “I’m not so vain as to force my book on an unconcerned humanity.”

Before he was born, when Yuchen was eight, he was a diamond courier for local shops. He hid the jewels in his monstrous cheeks, which led the old Jewish man whose son ran the ring store to remark, “Your genetic jewelry, my yellow friend, is attached to a different head than most men suppose.” The old man’s endearing bigotry informed Yuchen’s vocabulary, and he now often disarms Politically Correct people  with his off-handed slurs. However, rather than offending the PC Police, Yuchen usually convinces tight-wound pacifists to reveal and examine their taboo prejudices. Many walk away with a more mature understanding of themselves. This is one of the ways Yuchen spreads the Truth.

Noticing his successful career as a courier, the CIA recruited Yuchen at an age that remains classified but is suspected to have spat in the face of many precedents. He was sent on a secret mission to the moon where he conducted surveillance on the Chinese space  program. To train, Yuchen learned every Chinese character in nine months. For the six months he lived on the moon, Yuchen demanded supplies for three, preferring the chance to lead an ascetic life. Simultaneously on Earth, the CIA secretly returned a captive spy to China on the condition that China would stop lighting the dark side of the moon as a demonstration of power visible only to NASA scientists, the president, and high-ranking intelligence officials. The night after the exchange took place, there was a point of light projecting from the moon’s typically-invisible crescent. Langley messaged Yuchen through Houston and asked him to investigate. Yuchen reported having meditated in the exact spot reported to glow. They ordered his return to Earth. They picked him out of the Pacific and debriefed on the plane. He claimed the glow was emitted by his body during intense meditation. The CIA officially rejected this explanation and discharged him honorably with a press release claiming Yuchen is a brainwashed Chinese national. He’s still stopped at airports.

Though Yuchen is stopped in airports and subjected to other misfortunes outside of his control, he is always jolly. Some scientists have hypothesized his perpetual buoyancy could challenge the laws of thermodynamics, but most major funding for such studies has yet to materialize.

Yuchen is an expert driver. He started weaving mopeds through Asian traffic twelve years before he was born, practicing extensively across all the East’s hardest roads. Today, he’s a stunt driver for the movies. He’s called in for urban chases and other small-clearance scenes.

Yuchen is a born romantic, and when he loves, his tenderness is unmatched. “Like a perfectly cooked rack of ribs,” he once joked. He is known to be a great kisser, standing in for actors like Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt during kissing scenes that require a more genuine female performance. Luckily, kisses are shot later in the evening than car chases, so Yuchen’s stunt driving schedule almost never conflicts with his kissing schedule.

Yuchen is a known adventurer. He has explored many areas of South America and Asia in search of archaeological artifacts. He’s found at least twenty-six pieces previously thought lost to time (The Feather of Ra, Montezuma’s sweater, a fabled pair of Incan Bauxite figurines, the earliest known instance of aluminum foil [Yemen], a canoe made of petrified pork rinds, paddles used by the first Pope to punish the parish sons, a box of Elijah’s hair, Mayan anti-depressant recipes, a first draft of The Book of Sands, used Bedouin toilet paper suspended in ice, the Necronomicon, Confucius’ beard, Anastasia, an explanation of Stonehenge, Joseph Smith’s one-piece underwear, the identity of D.B. Cooper, a copy of God’s original commandments, the oldest collection of jokes found to date [in Timor, which is itself sort of a joke], the Holy Grail, the gold scrolls of The Book of Mormon, the largest bubble ever blown with gum [Brazil], a novel written before The Tale of Genji, evidence Courtney Love killed Kurt Cobain, a Fountain of Youth [with faulty plumbing], Adam’s apple, Satan’s snake skin) which he donated to local non-profit museums. He wears a leather hat on these trips, in the style of Indiana Jones whom he says was a childhood hero known to him before he was born.

Yuchen was president of his fourth grade class. He dismantled all oversight, including the hall patrol, and asked his fellow students to live harmoniously. They did not. Yuchen has not pursued political office since.


One comment on “Yuchen

  1. Pingback: The Truth About Yuchen « Yuchen's Belly of Authority

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